Feeling Sick and Still Being Mama

Last week, November 8-12th to be exact, I had the worst migraine in my life. I couldn't move, I couldn't see and I just wanted to sleep. It was awful. I also had a fever that hovered around 102, it got as high as 105, but it quickly went down from there. I went to the doctor and was told I had a viral infection but that I was on the mend. That was Friday. So I didn't trust that and I went to the Alaska Neurology Center and got an official diagnosis, and pills, for migraines. Praise God cause that really sucked. I was never contagious but being a Mama and that sick is really really hard. I don't know how single parents do it all.

I will say that being that sick was about the only time I have ever been extremely thankful for Konor's school. I was able to be home alone all day and he was at school. We have no family here, at least no family that will watch Konor, so it's really hard when sticky situations come up. Konor's school is only open 7:30-4:30 so I still had to get him before 5, which I would have much rather still been in bed. There is no option for Kris to pick him up. But my husband being the amazing blessing that he is, took Konor to school every day. I really don't know what I would do without him.

I still felt kinda sick over the weekend too, so we just took it slow. I was told by the Doctor at the Neurology center to keep a headache and sleep journal. Well, I get no sleep so that's pretty easy. When he told me to try to get more rest I just laughed. "I'll sleep when my son lets me",  is all I said. Today I prayed that Konor would begin to sleep through the night. I don't believe in letting him "cry it out". I don't run to his room the moment he starts to whimper, but to let him scream and cry until he falls alseep? No way. I just think about his social/emotional development and I want him to know he can trust that I will be around when he needs me. That he's not just out in the world alone. He'll sleep through the night eventually. Everyone ends up sleeping through the night. Are there really any 10 year olds getting up every 2 hours to eat? No. I catch up on sleep on Saturday and Sunday, thanks to my husband. I think once Konor is over a year and if he is still doing this then I'll move onto more drastic measures. He surprises me though. Some nights he'll sleep for 6 hours straight, then 3, then 2 all in one night. Then for a few days or so he's up every 1.5-2 hours. Lame. It's worse when I don't feel good, like last week. And I had to crawl out of bed and make my way into his room and pick him up. He did really good the night I felt my worst. He slept for 6 hours, then 4 hours, then my husband took him to school. So I can't REALLY complain.

My son means more to me than any thing. So when I am sick I am still happy to take care of him. It breaks my heart when I can't be 100% with him though. I don't like not being completely present with him, but I think he's intuitive enough to understand. Without my husband though, I would fail at being a mom. He keeps me going when I think I have nothing left to give. We're a good team. Konor is one lucky little guy.

Konor's First Holiday Season

While I do not indicate the beginning of the holiday season with Halloween, we sure are feeling pumped for the holidays! It's such an exciting anticipation knowing what Konor will experience this year! He won't have a clue, really, but we can't wait! Thanksgiving will be spent at home and I look forward to a baby in his highchair covered in mashed potatoes, sweet potatoes, green bean casserole and turkey! He will be able to see Charlie Brown's Thanksgiving and watch the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade on TV. Plus, he will have 4 days of love and attention from his parents. I am very excited about that. 4 days home with my baby. Pure bliss!

Since Konor will be 11 months old during Christmas, Kris and I have discussed what to get him. Our boy is very mobile. He hasn't started walking yet, but crawls like a champ and will hold on to furniture and walk around our living room. He climbs the stairs with ease and feels he is professional. So when we think of Christmas gifts, since he ignores his toys anyways, we have thought of just wrapping empty boxes up and letting him tear paper and pull out tissue paper. Is that bad? I know it's his first Christmas, but I don't really want to spend thousands of dollars on him, yet. We buy him things throughout the year! And he won't even know that he's missing out...

I am so thrilled to be a mom. Everytime I think about it, I just get filled up more and more with love. I look at Konor and he still amazes me. Something that was created out of love is so unbelievable. He is so adorable and so fun. He has a great, great personality. He loves to laugh and be around people. He loves to snuggle an he knows his mama and daddy. We are his favorite people.

I still struggle with dropping him off at child care. I see friends posts of facebook about the day they are going to have or have had with their children and I get so jealous. I feel like I don't give enough of my time to Konor. So this holiday season, with all the days off we have, I am giving him every second of my time that I can. I am even taking an extra 2 days off of work during Christmas to be home with my little man. The other day Konor's teachers told me that he has started to cry whenever they leave the room. A part of me was extremely mad and the other part was happy. I was happy to know that he had bonded with them and is attached. That he is safe with them and they treat him so well and love on him all day, every day. I was also so pissed off that my son had to be attached and bonded to two women, who this time last year were complete strangers. All I can say is, Thank GOD I did not hire a nanny! That would probably drive me over the edge.

I don't know why I focus on the negative side of being away from Konor. But I do. I need to focus on the positives. It's good that I can work because that helps our home afford more things like, our van, food, clothing etc. It's good that I work because I am around adults and don't get trapped in the "Baby Bubble". It's good that I work because when I do have time with Konor it's so precious that I don't take one second for granted. I am not saying that my stay at home mom friends do take their time home for granted, but when I hear them complain about being home I just want to scream and say "If only you knew what it was like being away from them 9-10 hours a day"!!! My job is flexible, but they can only flex so far. I have to be able to KEEP my job and be a mom. I'm not in danger of losing it, I just know how important it is that I continue to have it.

That was kind of a bunny trail away from what I was writing before. I think that will always be my biggest heartbreak. Being away from Konor so much. I don't mind working, I love my job, but if there was a way to move to Part Time I would. I would really like to join Mom's Club from my church, but it's SAHMs that don't have a committment on Friday's from 10-12. I tried starting a "Working Mom's Group" called Mama Mia with my girlfriend, but that shot down. It wasn't really given the right attention it needed... It would have been awesome. I hope to start it up again though. But a group of women, that choose or have to work outside the home and can sit around, chat and possibly have our children with us, maybe not all the time. I think it's important that those mom's get recognition and a church group too!!!

Whoa, I better close before this entry gets out of hand! I am so pumped for Konor to be experiencing Thanksgiving in a few weeks then, Christmas! His first Halloween was good, but he's to little to trick or treat so we didn't do anything.. But we carved a pumpkin! He's such a good and happy boy. I am so blessed!

Gearing Up, to Grow Up!

Konor got a big puffy jacket for winter the other day. He looks like the Michelin man! So adorable! He's really puffy so it's hard to hold him. But it was a much needed jacket. His are either too big or too small, he grows so fast! So that was the final piece we needed for him I think. We're all ready for winter now!

Today when I dropped Konor off at school he started to cry. He just wanted his "mama". Which a part of me loves and I wanted to just grab him up and take him to work, but alas, I could not. I am picking him up early today because my office is doing a Generations Story Time in honor of our 25th anniversary. I'm excited to have him here with me. I love bringing him with me wherever I go.

It's amazing how my self esteem is wrapped up in what I do with Konor. If someone doesn't agree with something I do with him or for him, I get really defensive and upset. Parenting is so personal! That is one big lesson I'm learning. With all the information I've read, it's still super hard to parent as good as someone thinks you should. I really struggle with that. I want people to see him and know he has the best parents. I put a lot of thought into how I interact with him and when someone disagrees or says "this way is better" it really upsets me. That's happened a few times and I don't know how to handle it. Why do people need to tell you how to parent? I guess there are different reasons behind it, and I'm sure I've done it too but it really stings. It also really takes a toll on me.

Throughout this new journey of balancing I'm also really understanding the pain that God must have felt giving his son for our salvation. Wow, that would really suck. How hard it would be to watch the world hate your son and kill him, just to save them. That's true love. God knew that Jesus would rise again, but I think the pain of the journey to that point it break your heart.

I am still trying to figure out how to find time to "do it all" as a working mom. It seems like I have no time to really do anything. My mom asked me to look at a website yesterday and I couldn't. I'm constantly on the go, watching Konor, folding clothes, doing the dishes etc. Kris helps me out a lot, and I am so lucky for that. But we both want to make sure that our home runs smooth and is happy. Well we haven't figured that out yet. Haha, it's a pretty choppy rhythm. We'll do really good with the chores, then we'll be really tired one day and that'll throw us off. First two weekends we were out of town and I think that really screwed us up. Laundry is everywhere, dishes aren't done, there is disorganization... Chaos! I think it'll be smoother at the end of the month. Just in time for the holidays!

By the way, Konor will be 9 months old on Saturday. Time flies when you're in love!

The Busy Baby

We took Konor to Fairbanks this weekend. He was surrounded great grandma's, nana, papa and cousins galore! It was so awesome watching him play. My heart melted watching him crawl fast and furiously towards his 3 cousins. I am very close to my cousin Angel,  and Konor was playing with her son. That was so awesome. I always dreamed of our kids playing together, and there they were! Playing. Konor's cousins AJ and Oliver were extremely sweet to him and so loving. The minute we saw them they wanted to hold him and hug him. It blesses me to know that Konor has amazing cousins to grow up with.

On Saturday we had family pictures. We had missed our first plane, so we ended up getting there later than we wanted. Anyways, it was so fun. I always have fun with my family! We took pictures outside with Red Shutter Studios, the best photographer in Fairbanks. She is so patient and really calm with my bouncy dad. I think she got some good shots of Konor though, I look forward to seeing them.

Konor at Nana & Papa's Wedding Anniversary Party

My parents celebrated their 25th anniversary this past weekend, which was why we went to Fairbanks. They had a beautiful party. It was "Italian" themed and just lovely. I really loved walking around to the tables and visiting my family and very close friends. It was nice being in a room of my favorites. Konor did so good, he was up WAY past his bedtime, but remained happy and playful. My parents had a great time and I loved being around them. They were so happy renewing their vows and thinking back to their wedding day, and the last 25 years. I totally screwed up the song I sang during their ceremony. But whatever. I'm embarrassed but the CD skipped, threw me off, and I kept finding bad focus points...

Konor on the plane was phenomenal. He was in his car seat, which was a good idea, and fell right to sleep. I think the plane had similar rumblings as a car ride. On the way home, he was so exhausted from playing that he fought it a little bit, but then slept. My sweet boy. He just makes me more and more proud to be his mama everyday. I am always impressed with him. This motherhood thing is SO COOL! I don't know how anyone could not enjoy it.

My son is just a busy guy! He crawls in full force everywhere, pulls himself up everywhere and is into as much as he can be! I love it! This is such a fun age! I'm so thankful he is a good little traveler too. We go to Seward this coming weekend (October 9th) and I know he'll do great. He can be difficult to put asleep. Why do babies fight sleep when they are so tired. He just goes all day and then gets so sleepy but fights it. Poor guy.

Konor playing with Xander, AJ & Oli

Well, I am more in love with my son. I thank God for him everyday! He is such a cutie pie and a joy. I can't express how awesome he is. Kris and I often sit and say "he's so great!". We made a great little guy, that will grow up to be a great man.

Life Keeps Moving

Today I talked with my husband about watching kids at home. This would allow me to stay home with Konor and still earn money. I would only want to watch 2 or 3 other kids maybe ages 1-4. Parents would have to bring their own supplies, I can't afford to pay for all of their food and diapers etc. I am so scared to do it. I don't know if it's because it's something new or if I feel like I would miss my job.

So I have to see what happens in the next couple of months with life. Things at work may be getting exciting, as in a possible promotion. I want to be with my son more than anything, but I want to offer him a life full of fun experiences and I want to be able to afford it. I don't know what to do.

I already have a plan in my head if I was to take take on a few kids. I've been a teacher before for Early Childhood, so I know what to do and I know what to expect. I almost want to take care of "slope kids". You know, the kids whose family only needs care 2 weeks on, 2 weeks off. That would be sweet!!

What should I do??

Pooped Through His Pants... Again

So it amazes me that no matter how many dirty diapers I change, I still don't mind. I view it as meeting a need he has. I love that Konor needs me. I can see how mom's baby their sons, even when they are 30 years old.

Lately, Konor has been getting up every 3 hours to nurse. He stopped this for awhile, but he's on a kick again. Probably a growth spurt. Anyways, I find myself enjoying those times in the wee hours of the morning. I've been just covering us up with our big orange blanket and sleeping with him in the purple recliner we have in his room. I love to snuggle with him and he let's me! I love just kissing him over and over and I tell him "I love you" about a million times at night.

I find the most joy watching my husband play with Konor. They both light up around each other. They are so happy together. Kris gets so excited about every new milestone Konor hits and every new toy that becomes age appropriate for Konor we have to get. Kris is such a good dad. He soaks up all the time, albeit limited, he has with Konor. The great thing is that during their play session, I don't have to do a thing. Kris changes the diaper if needed, will feed him dinner if needed. I only come into the picture if Konor needs to nurse. Anyways, they are such a fun duo to watch. They laugh with each other and Kris talks to him about his toys. Quite the cute pair! I love watching them.  Men should never think they are less sexy with a baby! I fell in love with my husband more when I saw him interact with Konor when Konor was just seconds old.

We found the Anchorage "Beach" last weekend. That was amazing! I really enjoyed it! Konor loved taste testing the rocks. We walked along the water and skipped rocks. We found it too late in the day to really enjoy it but we'll go back and with the dogs. I know Pattie and Dug would love it!

As my son grows and my connection with him deepens, I begin to get a better understanding of God's love. I understood God's love more when I was dating Kris and that pursuant heart that is passionately in love. But this love, it's so different and I can't imagine giving up my son for another to be saved. It's an intense feeling. God's love is intense. He truly is a God of love. To give up his one and only son as a sacrifice for me, you, my son... Incredible. That grief he must have felt. He know Jesus would resurrect, but he still had to see his son in pain, confronting death. I am in awe of his love, and I know I always will be.

Well, today at the women's show Konor pooped through his pants, then feel asleep. Babies are so silly. I think he's waking up now. We made it home and he went right back to sleep. He's a good baby. Have I mentioned how much I love him?

A Rough One!

Today I dropped Konor off and cried all the way to work. He started child care on June 7th and I had a really hard first month, but then it got better. So why today did I start crying? It was so strange. I always miss him but as I cried I just prayed... "Lord, I'd like to be home with him all the time".

The adjustment in putting Konor in care was a slow one, thankfully. I went back to work in May but I was able to bring him with me. Sweet! Then he started care but only part time. That was helpful. I got to know his teachers more and, frankly, I wasn't away from him for very long. It took me over 30 minutes to say goodbye to him on the first day.

Konor's First day of School in June 2010

I like that in other countries they give mom's one year to be home with the baby, with pay, and they get their jobs when they come back. Sometimes Europe really has things figured out! I get really jealous around stay at home moms and I get really angry when they complain about their day. Everyone can have a bad day, but they don't know the huge pain and big whole when you have to take your child to child care. I don't belittle their problems, but, I get jealous that they are home with their baby. That is a blessing. I know we would choose to have me at home if we could.

I do not believe I'm letting someone else raise my son. Many have that view of care. I really believe that they are helping in his development, but they are not raising him. I chose a christian program because of my beliefs. Konor knows I am his mom and he won't get those mixed up. He's a smart boy. But the *pang* of leaving him there hurts so bad, especially today.

When I picked him up today, I just held him and kissed him over and over. When we got home we played and laughed and it was like the pieces of my heart came back together. When I rocked him to sleep tonight I just stared at him in awe. My husband and I created this perfect little boy. He is all my love all wrapped up in one package. That's why it hurts to let him go in the morning.

Konor playing at school August 2010

This will get better. Today was just a rough one. I am still confused on why today, other than I'll just have these days every once in a while. I trust his teachers, I trust myself, but mostly I trust God. I trust that there is a bigger plan and right now I'm a working mom with a son in child care.

Starting this off

I used to be a journaler, one who journals. Since I got married I stopped. I'm disappointed that I stopped because it always helped me clear my head! So now that I am a mom I really want to document my experiences. He's my joy and I want to remember all the silly things we go through and I want to share it with you!

Let me tell you about how I became a mom. My labor and delivery was awesome. 8 hours from start to finish. I had a fantastic doula that really supported me and helped me relax. My husband was incredible and stayed strong for me and helped me get through it. It really wasn't as painful as I thought it would be. At first it felt like bad menstrual cramps, then as I progressed it felt like the worst menstrual cramps I've ever had. I did it medication free and I am proud of that! I learned a lot about my strength during that. I think epidurals and meds are a good thing if you need it to help relax and refocus your energy.

I had people praying for me during my whole pregnancy and throughout my labor and delivery. While I was getting ready to push, the verse "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" repeated over and over in my head. Then 30 minutes later, Konor Nikolas was here! All 10lbs 14.8oz of him! WHOO HOO!!

He was born in January of 2010 and I was never so tired in the first few weeks. Wow, that's an adjustment. But really you get used to the lack of sleep and just live life. I had 4 months of maternity leave and I loved every second of it. I cried on certain nights when I realized I wouldn't have these personal moments day in, day out with my son all the time. That I would have to return to work and figure out how to be a great mom, a great wife and a great employee. Bleh. That was not appealing to me. The wife and mom thing, awesome. But having to leave my son? No way. That's another blog though.

When we brought Konor home I was so nervous. I have a background in Early Childhood, but this was SO incredibly different. I had no idea what to do with him and I was so tired anyways, that I just wanted to sleep for a good solid week. But I, like I said, adjusted. We hardly left the house because it was winter in Alaska. Cold and dark. But once spring and summer came we were outside, taking walks, playing etc. That was so fun!

So I think that's a good beginning. I'm sure I'll post more about my experience as we go. Enjoy my journey! I am so happy to be on this wild ride!