No Thank You Depression!

I shouldn't be, but I am always amazed at how the enemy works. He finds any sort of crack in life and picks at it until it causes a crumble. I feel like he is trying to chip away at my life.

I have been battling depression for the past year. I think it's mild, but severe enough that I find less joy in things that used to bring me happiness, I am emotional and argumentative. I thought it was my new birth control, since that is a side effect. Because I can't afford to go to the OBGYN 2 times in one year, I had to stick it out. I went from generic to name brand and that seemed to help. I recently changed to a low-dose of birth control so we will see if that helps. However, I am still really "blue". I have tried to constantly pray, get in the word and talk to others. But I still find myself stuck in this pit. When I'm in it, Satan seems to have a good time. I can feel him kick me and say "oh and this is wrong! and you aren't good enough for that!". It's hurtful and pushes me down more and more.

I know people are praying for me and my family, and I still pray and get in the word. But it's like my heart is more advanced than my head. My head wants to be logical while my heart is saying "have faith". My head seems to win more often and I fall into the pit again. It's a strange dark place to be in. I often think if I would be happier if xyz happened. I don't know the answer. I know I do not like having to worry and fret over finances, friendships, housing, social events etc.

The conversation of me returning to work has come up several times since I started staying home in October. It's a weird revolving door. The bottom line is, we couldn't afford child care. It would eat up over half of what I could bring home. Really at the end of the day, I want to be with Konor and Kris wants that too. Something part time would be nice, but again it's the cost of care. So we continue to pray for God's provision and blessing.

I was reading my Rick Warren Purpose Driven Life devotional and he said that if we want God to bless our finances we have to work like it is an act of worship. I have to be thankful for where I am and what He HAS given me to receive that blessing. I am so thankful for what I have. I am home with my son and we have a sweet friend come over and play all day. I am not confined to my house, we get to go on outings. Is it hard? Sure. Is Konor really missing out on anything? No, not really. He's only 2.5 and has 2.5 more years before he goes to school! There is plenty of time for Library trips, Museum trips, roller skating, ice skating, parks and walks. I have to worship God for what I have now. Depression has no room in my heart when I worship. It gets filled with Jesus, with God's promises for me and my family.

My own agenda and ideas have a way of not turning out the way I had hoped or planned. Mostly I find that when I really surrender my own agenda, God either says "yup, that's what I want for my girl!" or says "no way. I have something better in mind." and I am right in between those two options right now. I was hoping for opportunities to teach some parenting classes and possibly have a client base to start charging for my parent coaching services this fall. Those don't seem to be lining up. I am not sure if it is the wrong timing or what, but it's heart wrenching to wait for God to reveal his purposes for you.

There are things as a little girl I remember wanting to really really do. I always wanted to be a wife and mom. I also thought it was so cool that my best friends mom got to do "baby stuff" at our church. I didn't know (and still don't really know) she was paid for her job, but she got to shop for toys and pick out snacks and play with kids. That was the coolest job to me and it seemed that she only worked the times we were at church! That always seemed the best. The older I got, my heart grew for new families and families in general. I want families to be successful and prosperous, but how come my family isn't?

I am writing this entry to say farewell to depression. I refuse to let it control me and my thoughts. I refuse to let it determine my moods and how I treat my family. It doesn't mean all my days from now on will be happy and perfect and I will probably continue to have really dark days, but I know that the Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want.

Psalms 23

The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing.
²     He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,
³     he refreshes my soul.
He guides me along the right paths
    for his name’s sake.
⁴ Even though I walk
    through the darkest valley,^[a]
I will fear no evil,
    for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
    they comfort me.

⁵ You prepare a table before me
    in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil;
    my cup overflows.
⁶ Surely your goodness and love will follow me
    all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the Lord
    forever.

I am NOT a Desperate Housewife...

I admit, I watch Desperate Housewives every Sunday. It's sick. When the show first aired I gave it eyerolls and thought "how dumb! who would watch this?!". Then I met Kris and he was a fan and we watched it together. I was hooked. The Scavo's were my favorite, and now they are separated and that really bums me out. They were like the only "real" couple. They fought, but worked through it together. Apparently "Tom" was sick of "Lynette's" put downs and didn't feel supported. Anyways, my new favorite couple on Wisteria Lane this season has been the Delfino's. "Susan" has always bugged me BUT "Mike" really balanced out her crazy behaviors. My point being, this is the last season and I was so sad they killed "Mike" off last night! As I laid there in bed with tears down my face, I found myself curling up closer to Kris.

He was sound asleep and I just cried! I knew I wasn't crying because of some fictional character being killed in a show, but the thought of losing my husband. It scared me. "Mike" was shot, by a loan shark (ridiculous soap-drama),  but the show slowed it down and we watched "Mike's" life with Susan flash, it got faster and faster until we see him shot through the heart. That to me is real. A gunshot. Or a heart-attack. Something like that. If he had died skydiving, I'd say "oh Kris would NEVER do that. I'm ok". I really am going somewhere with this.

Our Wedding Day 2007

So, as I laid there in bed I rolled away from Kris, he started to snore, and I prayed. I am re-reading "Power of a Praying Wife" and I just really felt the need to pray. I prayed blessing over Kris and I prayed that God would change me to be the best wife for Kris. But I was finding myself praying out of fear. Fear of losing Kris. I cried and God showed me this picture. It was a big roaring lion sitting on our front deck of our house protecting us. It was amazingly peaceful for me, but terrifying for anything or anyone else. The song God's Not Dead (Like a Lion) by The Newsboys immediately came to mind. I am protected. WE are protected. 

Before "Mike" got shot, him and "Susan" were sitting on their front porch apologizing and working things out after a fight. She told him that what first attracted her to him was his strength. She asked him where it came from and he explained that his mom was abused by his dad and he felt helpless as a kid. When he grew up he had to protect. He teared up and said that because he's a tough guy he's afraid that she didn't know how much he loved her, she assured him she knew and they kissed...for the last time. They got up, and started to walk inside. "Mike's" name was called and he pushed "Susan" out of the way and was shot. I imagine God and Kris in that scenario. God is the ultimate protector, but he sent Kris to be my protector and my husband here on earth. Kris has his good moments and bad moments of making sure I know he loves me and that I feel loved, but I'm the same way. 

My God's not dead, he's surely alive! He's living on the inside, roaring like a Lion!

There are 2 lessons from that Desperate Housewives episode. Be sure to speak in your spouse's love language so they know they are loved and TELL THEM. I guess the 2nd is more personal, but God is our ultimate protector. He's sitting on my front porch roaring right now!

Highs and Lows of Trust

I have been so pumped and certain God was doing something big in my life this year. It's only February 1st, so I am still certain He's doing something big, I just have no idea what it is. I was complaining to God that He wasn't going fast enough one day and later in the day it hit me, "Where is my trust?" I was allowing myself to listen to doubt and let my flesh take over. I was not trusting God that He has my family's best interest in mind.

Matthew 7:9-11 "⁹ “You parents—if your children ask for a loaf of bread, do you give them a stone instead? ¹⁰ Or if they ask for a fish, do you give them a snake? Of course not! ¹¹ So if you sinful people know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your heavenly Father give good gifts to those who ask him." This has become one of my absolute favorite "go to" verses since I started staying home October 2011. It is so encouraging. I reminded myself when my trust was fading that my Heavenly Father gives good gifts. He just does. Human Nature, or is it American Culture, wants to be instantly gratified. My timing is not His timing and I must remember His timing is perfect. 


Last night I was reading Acts as Paul was traveling all around and he was talking about the places he'd go and the Jews hated him and always tried to kill him and he'd be in prison all the time etc. He explained that God would tell him what will be waiting for him when he was at the new place to share the Good News of the Gospel but Paul trusted God. Paul knew that God had an ultimate plan and he trusted Him. I want that kind of trust. The kind of trust that doesn't waver no matter what lies ahead of us. God is the one we should trust. 


I am so thankful for a Christian husband. I find that we're a great team over and over. When my trust in God begins to waver, Kris encourages me again that God has us protected. When I really felt convicted that we needed to be faithful in our tithing again, Kris was 100% supportive. I didn't have to plead my case of why we should trust God. My partner in life simply said, "yes". God knew I needed a husband like that, and while I would have had myself married at 16 years old (ha!) I am so thankful that in HIS timing I married the right man. This seems a little off topic, but my point is, my husbands and I need to encourage each other to keep trusting in God, keeping putting our faith in God, keep loving God. God meets our needs, not our incomes.

Fasting for Finances

My church is doing an entertainment fast. I really think this is so appropriate for today. I think people give up food all the time for different reasons but we never give up entertainment for God. I am fasting Facebook and desserts. Some may think, "desserts aren't entertainment" but my reasons are 1. God told me to and 2. They bring me more satisfaction than spending time with God. I find joy in their sugary sweetness, which is not appropriate. It was entertainment for me. I was entertaining my taste buds. I have made it 24 hours and today I am really feeling the withdraws of no Facebook and desserts. I have done my devotions, prayed and sang praise and worship songs. I know God will be faithful and speak to me during this time.  I am fasting for answers and guidance for this year. I am expecting financial breakthrough this year. I am also debating a business license and I really want God's direction. I am believing for favor on Kris at work as well.

I read a fantastic devotional today and I want to share some of it with you. It was written by Marybeth Whalen and I read it from the Proverbs 31 Ministries website. (http://devotions.proverbs31.org) I was extremely blessed by this word. I cried as I read it. This is EXACTLY how I feel right now.

"...As I read this passage (Judges 7) I thought of another time a soldier wanted to know the numbers he was dealing with. First Chronicles 21:1 tells us that King David was enticed by Satan to count his men. He knew that if he could get David’s focus on the numbers instead of on God, he’d gain access to David’s thoughts and trust. These two biblical examples were a good wakeup call. God was trying to teach me to stop trusting in numbers – specifically in bank account numbers. He was gently reminding me that—as good as an emergency fund is—I can really only trust in Him. I didn’t need to worry about my balance or my battlefield. I only had to believe He would supply all I need."

This was a fantastic reminder that I do not trust in numbers or USAA (my bank). I trust in God. Our currency is printed with "In God We Trust" and I am trusting the money and how much of it I have. No, God will supply our needs. I trust HIM, not money. I trust HIM, not what my bank account says. Here is the prayer that Marybeth shared with us. I share it with you so you know how I am praying for my family and you can agree with me and you can also pray for your own.

"Dear Lord, my numbers don’t look good right now. The statistics are stacked against me. The account balance doesn’t make sense. I’m in the red. I feel like I’m facing impossible odds. And yet, today I feel a spark of hope. Please fan it into a flame of complete trust—not in numbers, but in You. In Jesus’ Name, Amen."

Heavenly Riches

Ephesians 1:18-19a, “I pray that the eyes of your heart my be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in his holy people, and his incomparably great power for us who believe.” (NIV)

I am believing God for big financial breakthrough this year. I don't mean the little "bless our finances so we can pay bills", I am talking credit card paid off, vehicles paid off, 6 months of savings and STILL able to do our Disney trip. We are taking Konor to Disney for his 3rd birthday (January 2013) and will use our dividends, but I am also expecting unexpected deals, things for free and sunny Cali days while we are there. But I digress.

I have been really feeling like I have been putting God in this little box and I trust he can see us through and get us through as we trust him, but I haven't really let him out of that box. I want to see him glorified in the way he can bless us. I want it to lead my unsaved family members to Christ. I want it to lead my unsaved friends to Christ. I want my friends and family that are questioning the awesomeness of God to see his mighty works and his faithfulness and turn to Christ. I do not want to boast about anything I do, but what My Heavenly Father is doing in my family. It's not about me, Kris or Konor. God loves my family. He wants to bless my family.

Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think.--Ephesians 3:20

I have been so hungry for verses from the Bible that talk about God's power and how he can move. What he can give us when we trust him. That is so much easier said than done. To have a faith and trust in a God that you can't see or touch, but I know 100% he is there. I am not ashamed to trust him and give everything of me to him. Money means nothing, but unfortunately it can become more godlike to many. I was so dependent on how much I could make, what Kris could make and how we could make more. Now I am so excited to see how God is going to move! I have this HUGE stiring in me that I just can't contain my joy! I want to laugh, cry, jump up and down and scream all at once! I have no idea what God is going to do, but I feel a big breakthrough coming on for the O'Brien's. We wanted to fix up and sell our house this year, but in the last few days I just really felt it wasn't the right time, but that next year we'll be in a better place to at least fix it up. Maybe sell in 2014, who knows. This point is, God is talking to me more about our finances and for once since we've been married we are going to listen.

God has never let us down. I think we've tithed 10% in the past, but got lazy or worse, stressed that if we tithed we wouldn't have enough. There was no trust there, yet every time Kris and I would talk about tithing again we'd immediately recall the goodness of God and the favor he has had on us. I am not holding back my "thanks" to God, but I rejoice NOW when I have no idea what God is going to do and we have little money in our account. It doesn't matter to me, I trust God. Fully. Completely. 

Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you."--Luke 6:38

I have not had to scramble to find verses of God's promises in taking care of us. The Holy Spirit has been reminding me of verses I have known for years. I leap for joy and smile and want to bust out of my skin I get so excited!!! He continually talks about giving and he will bless you more! It is not WHY I give. I don't give so I get a bigger blessing, I give because I trust God. There will be a time when what I expected him to give, he doesn't. He will continually draw us in deeper and closer to him. I don't have to wait to get to Heaven to have a deep, strong relationship with him. I went to Rhema Bible Training Center for one year and I will never forget Brother Hagin saying in class, "there was a time that Jesus was more real to me than my wife sitting next to me". WHOA! 

Since I started staying home, one verse has ALWAYS been an encouragement to me. Matthew 7:9-11. It is water for my thirsty soul. It nourishes me as no other verse has lately. It made me fall deeper in love with Jesus because I knew, no matter what this stay at home mom career brought me, I was safe in his arms. 

“Which of you, if your son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!"

This is the life example, living out my faith, that I want to give to Konor and all that surround me. His promises are YES! and AMEN!