No Thank You Depression!

I shouldn't be, but I am always amazed at how the enemy works. He finds any sort of crack in life and picks at it until it causes a crumble. I feel like he is trying to chip away at my life.

I have been battling depression for the past year. I think it's mild, but severe enough that I find less joy in things that used to bring me happiness, I am emotional and argumentative. I thought it was my new birth control, since that is a side effect. Because I can't afford to go to the OBGYN 2 times in one year, I had to stick it out. I went from generic to name brand and that seemed to help. I recently changed to a low-dose of birth control so we will see if that helps. However, I am still really "blue". I have tried to constantly pray, get in the word and talk to others. But I still find myself stuck in this pit. When I'm in it, Satan seems to have a good time. I can feel him kick me and say "oh and this is wrong! and you aren't good enough for that!". It's hurtful and pushes me down more and more.

I know people are praying for me and my family, and I still pray and get in the word. But it's like my heart is more advanced than my head. My head wants to be logical while my heart is saying "have faith". My head seems to win more often and I fall into the pit again. It's a strange dark place to be in. I often think if I would be happier if xyz happened. I don't know the answer. I know I do not like having to worry and fret over finances, friendships, housing, social events etc.

The conversation of me returning to work has come up several times since I started staying home in October. It's a weird revolving door. The bottom line is, we couldn't afford child care. It would eat up over half of what I could bring home. Really at the end of the day, I want to be with Konor and Kris wants that too. Something part time would be nice, but again it's the cost of care. So we continue to pray for God's provision and blessing.

I was reading my Rick Warren Purpose Driven Life devotional and he said that if we want God to bless our finances we have to work like it is an act of worship. I have to be thankful for where I am and what He HAS given me to receive that blessing. I am so thankful for what I have. I am home with my son and we have a sweet friend come over and play all day. I am not confined to my house, we get to go on outings. Is it hard? Sure. Is Konor really missing out on anything? No, not really. He's only 2.5 and has 2.5 more years before he goes to school! There is plenty of time for Library trips, Museum trips, roller skating, ice skating, parks and walks. I have to worship God for what I have now. Depression has no room in my heart when I worship. It gets filled with Jesus, with God's promises for me and my family.

My own agenda and ideas have a way of not turning out the way I had hoped or planned. Mostly I find that when I really surrender my own agenda, God either says "yup, that's what I want for my girl!" or says "no way. I have something better in mind." and I am right in between those two options right now. I was hoping for opportunities to teach some parenting classes and possibly have a client base to start charging for my parent coaching services this fall. Those don't seem to be lining up. I am not sure if it is the wrong timing or what, but it's heart wrenching to wait for God to reveal his purposes for you.

There are things as a little girl I remember wanting to really really do. I always wanted to be a wife and mom. I also thought it was so cool that my best friends mom got to do "baby stuff" at our church. I didn't know (and still don't really know) she was paid for her job, but she got to shop for toys and pick out snacks and play with kids. That was the coolest job to me and it seemed that she only worked the times we were at church! That always seemed the best. The older I got, my heart grew for new families and families in general. I want families to be successful and prosperous, but how come my family isn't?

I am writing this entry to say farewell to depression. I refuse to let it control me and my thoughts. I refuse to let it determine my moods and how I treat my family. It doesn't mean all my days from now on will be happy and perfect and I will probably continue to have really dark days, but I know that the Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want.

Psalms 23

The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing.
²     He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,
³     he refreshes my soul.
He guides me along the right paths
    for his name’s sake.
⁴ Even though I walk
    through the darkest valley,^[a]
I will fear no evil,
    for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
    they comfort me.

⁵ You prepare a table before me
    in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil;
    my cup overflows.
⁶ Surely your goodness and love will follow me
    all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the Lord
    forever.