Life Keeps Moving

Today I talked with my husband about watching kids at home. This would allow me to stay home with Konor and still earn money. I would only want to watch 2 or 3 other kids maybe ages 1-4. Parents would have to bring their own supplies, I can't afford to pay for all of their food and diapers etc. I am so scared to do it. I don't know if it's because it's something new or if I feel like I would miss my job.

So I have to see what happens in the next couple of months with life. Things at work may be getting exciting, as in a possible promotion. I want to be with my son more than anything, but I want to offer him a life full of fun experiences and I want to be able to afford it. I don't know what to do.

I already have a plan in my head if I was to take take on a few kids. I've been a teacher before for Early Childhood, so I know what to do and I know what to expect. I almost want to take care of "slope kids". You know, the kids whose family only needs care 2 weeks on, 2 weeks off. That would be sweet!!

What should I do??

Pooped Through His Pants... Again

So it amazes me that no matter how many dirty diapers I change, I still don't mind. I view it as meeting a need he has. I love that Konor needs me. I can see how mom's baby their sons, even when they are 30 years old.

Lately, Konor has been getting up every 3 hours to nurse. He stopped this for awhile, but he's on a kick again. Probably a growth spurt. Anyways, I find myself enjoying those times in the wee hours of the morning. I've been just covering us up with our big orange blanket and sleeping with him in the purple recliner we have in his room. I love to snuggle with him and he let's me! I love just kissing him over and over and I tell him "I love you" about a million times at night.

I find the most joy watching my husband play with Konor. They both light up around each other. They are so happy together. Kris gets so excited about every new milestone Konor hits and every new toy that becomes age appropriate for Konor we have to get. Kris is such a good dad. He soaks up all the time, albeit limited, he has with Konor. The great thing is that during their play session, I don't have to do a thing. Kris changes the diaper if needed, will feed him dinner if needed. I only come into the picture if Konor needs to nurse. Anyways, they are such a fun duo to watch. They laugh with each other and Kris talks to him about his toys. Quite the cute pair! I love watching them.  Men should never think they are less sexy with a baby! I fell in love with my husband more when I saw him interact with Konor when Konor was just seconds old.

We found the Anchorage "Beach" last weekend. That was amazing! I really enjoyed it! Konor loved taste testing the rocks. We walked along the water and skipped rocks. We found it too late in the day to really enjoy it but we'll go back and with the dogs. I know Pattie and Dug would love it!

As my son grows and my connection with him deepens, I begin to get a better understanding of God's love. I understood God's love more when I was dating Kris and that pursuant heart that is passionately in love. But this love, it's so different and I can't imagine giving up my son for another to be saved. It's an intense feeling. God's love is intense. He truly is a God of love. To give up his one and only son as a sacrifice for me, you, my son... Incredible. That grief he must have felt. He know Jesus would resurrect, but he still had to see his son in pain, confronting death. I am in awe of his love, and I know I always will be.

Well, today at the women's show Konor pooped through his pants, then feel asleep. Babies are so silly. I think he's waking up now. We made it home and he went right back to sleep. He's a good baby. Have I mentioned how much I love him?

A Rough One!

Today I dropped Konor off and cried all the way to work. He started child care on June 7th and I had a really hard first month, but then it got better. So why today did I start crying? It was so strange. I always miss him but as I cried I just prayed... "Lord, I'd like to be home with him all the time".

The adjustment in putting Konor in care was a slow one, thankfully. I went back to work in May but I was able to bring him with me. Sweet! Then he started care but only part time. That was helpful. I got to know his teachers more and, frankly, I wasn't away from him for very long. It took me over 30 minutes to say goodbye to him on the first day.

Konor's First day of School in June 2010

I like that in other countries they give mom's one year to be home with the baby, with pay, and they get their jobs when they come back. Sometimes Europe really has things figured out! I get really jealous around stay at home moms and I get really angry when they complain about their day. Everyone can have a bad day, but they don't know the huge pain and big whole when you have to take your child to child care. I don't belittle their problems, but, I get jealous that they are home with their baby. That is a blessing. I know we would choose to have me at home if we could.

I do not believe I'm letting someone else raise my son. Many have that view of care. I really believe that they are helping in his development, but they are not raising him. I chose a christian program because of my beliefs. Konor knows I am his mom and he won't get those mixed up. He's a smart boy. But the *pang* of leaving him there hurts so bad, especially today.

When I picked him up today, I just held him and kissed him over and over. When we got home we played and laughed and it was like the pieces of my heart came back together. When I rocked him to sleep tonight I just stared at him in awe. My husband and I created this perfect little boy. He is all my love all wrapped up in one package. That's why it hurts to let him go in the morning.

Konor playing at school August 2010

This will get better. Today was just a rough one. I am still confused on why today, other than I'll just have these days every once in a while. I trust his teachers, I trust myself, but mostly I trust God. I trust that there is a bigger plan and right now I'm a working mom with a son in child care.

Starting this off

I used to be a journaler, one who journals. Since I got married I stopped. I'm disappointed that I stopped because it always helped me clear my head! So now that I am a mom I really want to document my experiences. He's my joy and I want to remember all the silly things we go through and I want to share it with you!

Let me tell you about how I became a mom. My labor and delivery was awesome. 8 hours from start to finish. I had a fantastic doula that really supported me and helped me relax. My husband was incredible and stayed strong for me and helped me get through it. It really wasn't as painful as I thought it would be. At first it felt like bad menstrual cramps, then as I progressed it felt like the worst menstrual cramps I've ever had. I did it medication free and I am proud of that! I learned a lot about my strength during that. I think epidurals and meds are a good thing if you need it to help relax and refocus your energy.

I had people praying for me during my whole pregnancy and throughout my labor and delivery. While I was getting ready to push, the verse "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" repeated over and over in my head. Then 30 minutes later, Konor Nikolas was here! All 10lbs 14.8oz of him! WHOO HOO!!

He was born in January of 2010 and I was never so tired in the first few weeks. Wow, that's an adjustment. But really you get used to the lack of sleep and just live life. I had 4 months of maternity leave and I loved every second of it. I cried on certain nights when I realized I wouldn't have these personal moments day in, day out with my son all the time. That I would have to return to work and figure out how to be a great mom, a great wife and a great employee. Bleh. That was not appealing to me. The wife and mom thing, awesome. But having to leave my son? No way. That's another blog though.

When we brought Konor home I was so nervous. I have a background in Early Childhood, but this was SO incredibly different. I had no idea what to do with him and I was so tired anyways, that I just wanted to sleep for a good solid week. But I, like I said, adjusted. We hardly left the house because it was winter in Alaska. Cold and dark. But once spring and summer came we were outside, taking walks, playing etc. That was so fun!

So I think that's a good beginning. I'm sure I'll post more about my experience as we go. Enjoy my journey! I am so happy to be on this wild ride!