So now that I am home full time now, I actually had to deal with a bout of depression. I don't like how I ended up leaving my job of over 5 years and a part of me felt guilty that I couldn't balance it. I left thread on good terms and really love that agency but I didn't give it my all and that was discouraging. To make it worse, the founder of the Parent Coaching Institute told me that I was not doing a good enough job to pass course 2. Ugh, I wasn't giving THAT my all either. To put the icing on this cake, my husband was a stressed about the bills, house, overtime and making sure I get certain things done during the day. He wasn't nagging or mean, and I actually agreed with him, but it was more to feel guilty about. I wasn't giving my all to anything. I stopped exercising. I ate horribly. I wasn't happy. I left thread in September, the 23rd, and I began caring for a sweet infant with Konor on October 3rd. It was such a hard transition. The little boy is so sweet and so is my son but I had NO clue how to stay home. I didn't know how to balance or manage anything and I was exhausted all the time. I thought something was wrong with me!
Kris suggested we get a gym membership so I have somewhere healthy to go instead of a coffeeshop or fast food joint to let the kids play. We started going to the Alaska Club and it's been great! I've lost 10lbs and if I ate better, I am sure I could have lost 20lbs. But I'm a work in progress. I made it through Course 2 of the PCI after begging and pleading. I then decided it was time to take a break, so I currently am on a 3 month break. I am enjoying that immensely! I love that I don't have the commitment taking up some time. I am using this extra time to figure out how to be a stay at home mom. I have a part time job at ChangePoint Church. It's only 9 hours a week right now and at night. Konor comes with me and is the chlid care area for free. FABULOUS! It gives us a little extra money, so that's great. Kris doesn't have OT at work right now so it's been great having him home on time.
During all this transition I have had to really rely on God. I have trusted him with so many things and I know he is faithful. However, through this I have really held on to whatever little money we do have to pay our bills and do anything "extra" with. I was not trusting God that he could do more than just make sure my bills are paid, but that he can BLESS us abundantly if we just trust him. Every time I'd bring it up to Kris and we'd have a discussion, he would agree and he'd be on board but I would hold us back. I was standing in the way of true blessings in my family. That's an awful feeling! So recently I just stopped and said "NO MORE"! I don't want to just pay my bills and bite my nails hoping we get through to the next paycheck. God wants me to be a stay at home mom. He knows our bills and the things we want to do like remodel our kitchen and get out of debt. So I am choosing to trust him. That's a different blog post though. :)
So my battle of feeling guilty that I was no good at staying home really depressed me. I felt I wasn't good anywhere. I wasn't a good employee, mom or friend. It was really weighing on me. I had to get organized and figure it out. I love my husband because he really lets me talk to him about how I feel then he tries to make my life so much easier. He is so amazing. I had the exercise routine down, it is really helpful but I needed to figure out how to get chores done at home, spend time with the kids and the dogs and still feel like I have enough energy to be an adult and talk with Kris when he came home. I am still trying to figure it out and I have great days, ok days and bad days... But I rely a lot on God. I have been a working mom and a stay at home mom. Both are hard. There is no "easy" way to be a mom. I have cherished nap time and I take naps every so often. I am praying over some ideas that I have. I want to be a Proverbs 31 wife, so I am praying about some business ventures that I want God to have control over. I want to always be home with my kids and this can make a way. I want my husband home at a decent hour every night and so I am praying over that as well.
So Stay at Home mom's have issues. I am so lucky to experience them!
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