Feeling Sick and Still Being Mama

Last week, November 8-12th to be exact, I had the worst migraine in my life. I couldn't move, I couldn't see and I just wanted to sleep. It was awful. I also had a fever that hovered around 102, it got as high as 105, but it quickly went down from there. I went to the doctor and was told I had a viral infection but that I was on the mend. That was Friday. So I didn't trust that and I went to the Alaska Neurology Center and got an official diagnosis, and pills, for migraines. Praise God cause that really sucked. I was never contagious but being a Mama and that sick is really really hard. I don't know how single parents do it all.

I will say that being that sick was about the only time I have ever been extremely thankful for Konor's school. I was able to be home alone all day and he was at school. We have no family here, at least no family that will watch Konor, so it's really hard when sticky situations come up. Konor's school is only open 7:30-4:30 so I still had to get him before 5, which I would have much rather still been in bed. There is no option for Kris to pick him up. But my husband being the amazing blessing that he is, took Konor to school every day. I really don't know what I would do without him.

I still felt kinda sick over the weekend too, so we just took it slow. I was told by the Doctor at the Neurology center to keep a headache and sleep journal. Well, I get no sleep so that's pretty easy. When he told me to try to get more rest I just laughed. "I'll sleep when my son lets me",  is all I said. Today I prayed that Konor would begin to sleep through the night. I don't believe in letting him "cry it out". I don't run to his room the moment he starts to whimper, but to let him scream and cry until he falls alseep? No way. I just think about his social/emotional development and I want him to know he can trust that I will be around when he needs me. That he's not just out in the world alone. He'll sleep through the night eventually. Everyone ends up sleeping through the night. Are there really any 10 year olds getting up every 2 hours to eat? No. I catch up on sleep on Saturday and Sunday, thanks to my husband. I think once Konor is over a year and if he is still doing this then I'll move onto more drastic measures. He surprises me though. Some nights he'll sleep for 6 hours straight, then 3, then 2 all in one night. Then for a few days or so he's up every 1.5-2 hours. Lame. It's worse when I don't feel good, like last week. And I had to crawl out of bed and make my way into his room and pick him up. He did really good the night I felt my worst. He slept for 6 hours, then 4 hours, then my husband took him to school. So I can't REALLY complain.

My son means more to me than any thing. So when I am sick I am still happy to take care of him. It breaks my heart when I can't be 100% with him though. I don't like not being completely present with him, but I think he's intuitive enough to understand. Without my husband though, I would fail at being a mom. He keeps me going when I think I have nothing left to give. We're a good team. Konor is one lucky little guy.

Konor's First Holiday Season

While I do not indicate the beginning of the holiday season with Halloween, we sure are feeling pumped for the holidays! It's such an exciting anticipation knowing what Konor will experience this year! He won't have a clue, really, but we can't wait! Thanksgiving will be spent at home and I look forward to a baby in his highchair covered in mashed potatoes, sweet potatoes, green bean casserole and turkey! He will be able to see Charlie Brown's Thanksgiving and watch the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade on TV. Plus, he will have 4 days of love and attention from his parents. I am very excited about that. 4 days home with my baby. Pure bliss!

Since Konor will be 11 months old during Christmas, Kris and I have discussed what to get him. Our boy is very mobile. He hasn't started walking yet, but crawls like a champ and will hold on to furniture and walk around our living room. He climbs the stairs with ease and feels he is professional. So when we think of Christmas gifts, since he ignores his toys anyways, we have thought of just wrapping empty boxes up and letting him tear paper and pull out tissue paper. Is that bad? I know it's his first Christmas, but I don't really want to spend thousands of dollars on him, yet. We buy him things throughout the year! And he won't even know that he's missing out...

I am so thrilled to be a mom. Everytime I think about it, I just get filled up more and more with love. I look at Konor and he still amazes me. Something that was created out of love is so unbelievable. He is so adorable and so fun. He has a great, great personality. He loves to laugh and be around people. He loves to snuggle an he knows his mama and daddy. We are his favorite people.

I still struggle with dropping him off at child care. I see friends posts of facebook about the day they are going to have or have had with their children and I get so jealous. I feel like I don't give enough of my time to Konor. So this holiday season, with all the days off we have, I am giving him every second of my time that I can. I am even taking an extra 2 days off of work during Christmas to be home with my little man. The other day Konor's teachers told me that he has started to cry whenever they leave the room. A part of me was extremely mad and the other part was happy. I was happy to know that he had bonded with them and is attached. That he is safe with them and they treat him so well and love on him all day, every day. I was also so pissed off that my son had to be attached and bonded to two women, who this time last year were complete strangers. All I can say is, Thank GOD I did not hire a nanny! That would probably drive me over the edge.

I don't know why I focus on the negative side of being away from Konor. But I do. I need to focus on the positives. It's good that I can work because that helps our home afford more things like, our van, food, clothing etc. It's good that I work because I am around adults and don't get trapped in the "Baby Bubble". It's good that I work because when I do have time with Konor it's so precious that I don't take one second for granted. I am not saying that my stay at home mom friends do take their time home for granted, but when I hear them complain about being home I just want to scream and say "If only you knew what it was like being away from them 9-10 hours a day"!!! My job is flexible, but they can only flex so far. I have to be able to KEEP my job and be a mom. I'm not in danger of losing it, I just know how important it is that I continue to have it.

That was kind of a bunny trail away from what I was writing before. I think that will always be my biggest heartbreak. Being away from Konor so much. I don't mind working, I love my job, but if there was a way to move to Part Time I would. I would really like to join Mom's Club from my church, but it's SAHMs that don't have a committment on Friday's from 10-12. I tried starting a "Working Mom's Group" called Mama Mia with my girlfriend, but that shot down. It wasn't really given the right attention it needed... It would have been awesome. I hope to start it up again though. But a group of women, that choose or have to work outside the home and can sit around, chat and possibly have our children with us, maybe not all the time. I think it's important that those mom's get recognition and a church group too!!!

Whoa, I better close before this entry gets out of hand! I am so pumped for Konor to be experiencing Thanksgiving in a few weeks then, Christmas! His first Halloween was good, but he's to little to trick or treat so we didn't do anything.. But we carved a pumpkin! He's such a good and happy boy. I am so blessed!